You know the funny thing about it? I couldn’t answer.
I’ve been trying to be reflecty and consider what I want to do with this year, but having foresight has been a little harder for me lately. There’s been so much time I’ve spent just thinking towards what will be that I feel like I’ve moved into a different way of being, which really is being in the moment. Or at least ways I haven’t been thinking too far ahead, I’ve just been daydreaming.
It’s hard to not feel discouraged, or like I need to settle and give up on my art career and make myself get a day job. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m definitely scared to even try working at a grocery store with everything that’s going on.
I think I’ve been coming to terms with admitting to myself that I don’t know where I want to go, career wise. What I want to do with it or what I want to make. I’ve always known I want to travel the world and hide out in foreign countries working on projects and experiencing other places and perspectives and food and culture.
But I’ve never known what avenue I would take to get there. I always just let myself see it as, “when I’m older and can do those things.”
That everything would fall into place with time and I’d be where I want to be eventually and I didn’t have to think about it.
Art has always been there, so I naturally assumed that it’d be the dragon I rode to get to my daydream.
I’m psychologically and emotionally exhausted, and with my lack of foresight it’s been hard to pull myself out of feeling constantly defeated and that I should just give up.
Should this become a manifesto?
Should I fill this blog post with the things I do know I want?
Ok.
We’re gonna bullet list this cause I’ve heard people who bullet journal are successful.
I want a steady income doing things that make me happy.
I want to save that money and move out, and move into a house with Bae and live there happily.
i want to buy my first car/truck.
I want to feel the sensuality of life like before.
I want Bae’s work to take off and give him enrichment and enjoyment and satisfaction.
I want to not feel the pressure anymore of needing to support my family, because I’ve supported them and taken care of their needs.
I want to travel the world with Bae, and taste wonderful food, and experience amazing culture, and live with the confidence that I’m ready for what comes.
I want to heal my relationship with my art, and heal psychologically, to mend my hurt.
I want to build a home and decorate it with my adventures.
I want to visit Australia and see a friend I made online years ago in person.
I want to have fun and feel free, and for everyone to be happy and taken care of and safe.